This year, I have not been putting much of a fight into doing things properly and efficiently. As such, i passed time attempting given tasks half heartedly without dedication nor purpose. It seems too late to regret it now, when the 'introduction' to what is to come has just ended. I have thoroughly failed to prove myself a worthy warrior in the face of war and pandemonium. Sacrificing work for sleep and succumbing to weariness are past cardinal sins that i have committed. Now, I can only fear and worry about my untwistable fate. No longer is the norm where i am able to enjoy sleep without guilt. I do not know what is wrong with my attitude towards life. Am i too introverted? Too negative? I do not know. Time awaits to reveal answers i have longed to find.
I do not know why only after i commit a crime or mistake do i realize important lessons in life. An example would be how i always tell my friends that my other friends scored xx upon 100 and top the level and all. I recently got to ponder about why that friend wasn't me, and why i would actually bother spending time to consolidate about which people scored rather than using the time to practice and sharpen and hone my skills so that in future, people can be talking about me instead of vice versa. It is no longer useful that i motivate myself with monetary rewards or presents from my parents for doing well in school. Why, you ask? It is because intrinsic and extrinsic motivation does no more good than harm. It dulls a persons ability to think creatively in non-algorithmic work and also decreases the pace of our processes. From here, it is easy to conclude that we should do things because we want to, and not for the pursuit of little fluffy teddy bears or the latest mobile phone and what not.
Perhaps another major thing that i have also lost out on in life is probably in terms of social life. I have to admit i never really know how to express myself properly and effectively in real life due to computer addiction. You may say it really isn't my fault that this is happening as the computer has become a effective learning medium in our lives today, and that we as people cannot truly live without computers. I just think i'm too stupid to not have controlled and restricted the early stages of my addiction. Besides, excuses are merely excuses and nothing else. We cannot let excuses become reasons of our past mistakes because they are merely a temporary escape to your problems and that they will eventually come and haunt you or stab you in the back one day. It is due to the sole reason of computer addiction that i fail to divide my time equally between what is real and what is not, which probably is the complete recipe to my current plight.
I cannot deny that personal development has seem to become quite a deadly opponent to defeat in times of chaos. An example i can easily name is the examinations. Where I have no guidance, no extrinsic nor intrinsic motivation to do anything, no goals given by parents (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) but only me, myself and I to conquer with my fluctuating determination to do things. Of course by saying that, it means that I haven't been doing anywhere near par for my End-Of-Years but i need to conquer the ability to work alone at home productively in a conducive environment.
Never mind, enough of ranting. I hate it when all i do is vent my pent up anger and frustration on this little personal space of mine but hardly anyone every reads and gives me any useful advice at all. I just hope all these things I write down here will never recur again, but till now it seems that it is continuing like a vicious cycle. Hopefully i break the cycle before the cycle breaks me.
Cheers,
Yao Kun
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