Desire

Lately i have been in a depressing conundrum and I seem to be unable to get out of the this puzzling mind game that I have been playing with myself since the start of the year. The year began with a rather relaxed mindset, no thinking of the harsh consequences of not being prepared for whats about to come. Complacency got the best of me. I thought since I was eligible for the top class in the cohort, I'd definitely do well anyway. How naive. If i'd go back in time to change things, I think i'd do much better than my current self. But these little wishes of time travel only exist in fairy tales.

As a result of such a childish assumption, my results have been either fluctuating or declining. Truth to be told, I became unaware of the situation, but instead became another person who grew to accept mediocracy. I believed that things would never turn out to be what i expected it to be, and this would be the end of my successes in my secondary school years - getting to the top class in the school. My desire to achieve more successes diminished and i often looked extremely tired and lethargic everyday, as though life was slowly seeping and being drained out of me. Desire was trapped in a labyrinth where it couldn't find its way out to save me from those times.

It wasn't anytime soon that i learnt to step out from my emotional whirlpool. I continued to have fluctuating results even till the Mid Year Examinations. I continued deluding myself with thoughts that I still had time to improve. Then as time sped past like a blink of an eye (like they always do), I began to worry without thinking of how i should go about to eliminate the sense of guilt and fear that i might really do very badly throughout the year. Thoughts of dropping subjects haunted my sleepless nights and all i could do is continue to worry.

Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise to have met someone that have helped desire find its way out of the labyrinth. The inspiration that person gave me was beyond comprehension and I have really no way of really repaying that person. With this inspiration, I was driven by the freed desire to do well, or at the very least show some improvement in my academic results. It certainly did help a little, although results have yet to be shown. Perhaps i need more time to buck up. Then again, these little claims i have in my blog might never be real, unless i do really show a great jump in my results by the end of the year.

For now, my desire is fueled by only four things - the bell, the guitar, the star, and the thought that i might rise to reach the standards of that certain someone.

Cheers.